I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
