I'm really into asian looking animals
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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