Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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