Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
