mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize