I think i peed on brittanys purse
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
