I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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