just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
