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I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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