Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
