White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize