I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
