I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
