D3 body, D1 cock
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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