Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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