I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
