Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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