So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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