Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
