Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
