I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Dicks are not precious.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
