Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize