Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize