it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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