THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
