i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
