So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize
