I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Randomize
