Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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