I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize