guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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