you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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