i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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