i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I hope mine doesn't look like that
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
