Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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