just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
