Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize