alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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