Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
