Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
