Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
