why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
