Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
