Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
no you cant smoke seaweed
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
