one word: firstdatebathroomanal
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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