Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
