it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
