Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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