Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
