do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
