After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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