We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
