its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
NoShamevember. You game?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
