so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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