He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
