why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
