Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
