My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
