can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
i need some magic done to my vagina
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You left your phone here
Wait...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
