So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
