I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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