he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
