Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
