Capitaan dildo arrescate!
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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