my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
