I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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