i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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