i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
