I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
