Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
