I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
