i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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