i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
