I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
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